Memory
There’s a few lines in the movie Shall We Dance when Susan Sarandon’s characters says:

We
need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet…
I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re
promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things,
the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time,
every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I
will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be
your witness’

I saw the movie about a month ago on
pay-per-view at my boyfriend’s place. While I liked it, I didn’t pay
much attention to it. But those few lines really struck me. My first
reaction was, “That’s a rather pessimistic view of love.” But the more
I thought and still think about it, the more true I believe it is.

There
are some nights when I think about the men in my life. In particular,
those who made a big impact on me, who shaped and formed my view of
men, romance, love and life. I think about those experiences which
dismantled those innocent and naive ideals I had. They have a page in
the history of my life. I can’t forget them even if I tried. And
believe me, with some of them, I have tried very hard to forget.

Sometimes,
in those thoughts, I find myself wondering if they ever think about me
as well. I wonder if I ever occupy any spot in their heart or mind –
even for a moment. There are some I’d like to believe do. There’s one
or two I know I’ve left some sort of impression on. And there are quite
a few to whom I was just a fleeting memory.

The thought that
scares me is that some of those people who don’t ever think about me
are the very people who have meant so much to me.

It’s
because a part of the experience depends on what the other person takes
away from it. If he didn’t really care, it devalues and tarnishes the
memory. If the moments I shared with that one person weren’t so
important to them, then what does it mean in the end? Does it mean I’m
just a delusional girl? Does it make me pathetic? Because if all the
feelings and memories I have about you weren’t reciprocated – then
what’s my worth?

I don’t think that’s to say I rest my entire
self worth on other people. But it’s more to say I want to know I meant
something to someone. That there was meaning in that experience we had
together.

I think it’s because we want to have an impact on some
one. We want to be remembered – preferrably remembered fondly. We want
to know we mattered to someone – just as much as they mattered to us.
We want an acknowledgement of our lives and a validation of our worth.

hmmm…

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11 comments
  1. Hey! Thanks for leaving a thanks :)I’ve just started my first year graduate studies at UBC in bioinformatics, though i’ve definitely spent 99% of my time at SFU so far. Are you an elementary school teacher (heh, the Kevin story)? I wanted to teach kids for a while, but computer science has rendered me increasingly impatient over the years.

  2. do you know “psychoexbf?” haha thanks for the input. I dunno, he (the friend who asked) was curious of my “psychological state post mister 7wks.” I cant say hes not allowed to but then… I’m not ready? Yeah, I dug my own grave, so I lived and learned. S’all good. ^^;

  3. X1JinX said:

    just know that you probably impacted someone’s life without even knowing it…and that’s worth being remembered for.

  4. Anonymous said:

    Hi, thanks for the comment.

  5. shall we dance was filmed in winnipeg, i can give you a side commentary on the different locations of winnipeg the movie was filmed 🙂

  6. ckn said:

    wow you’re so deep in it, I’m speechless coz I never thought of memory in such a way. You’re writings are totally worth reading. You are totally worth it.

  7. Anonymous said:

    i’m just finished my BSc. at UBC and waiting to hear back from education … kinda similar to you I guess since you’re elementary teacher 🙂
    about life … i try not to think about it too much … everything is everything ….

  8. Anonymous said:

    I can totally relate to this. It is only natural for all humans to want to have a validation for our existence, to know that we made a positive impact in someone’s life, and to know that when we go, we will be remembered by others. I tend to think that the human mind only remembers so much, but the things we never let go of are the lessons that these memories taught us about who we are and what we truly care about. Those never do go away, not in anyone’s mind. Memories of the person may go away, but memories of the events and memories of the feelings don’t go away ever.
    We are all different beings and we all think differently and behave differently. What I value as more important in a relationship may not be up to par or the same as yours (I’m using yours as a general term here). It happens all the time. People take away messages that are different from ours, and perhaps they will find someone else and we will find someone else that will teach us those same lessons more poignantly. It doesn’t mean they don’t remember or care about you as much; it’s just the way people react. Maybe I’m using my brain and not my heart to think about this scenario, but really, we all will react differently and have a different perspective on things when given the same set of circumstances and stimuli, even two people sharing the same experience. It doesn’t mean it’s worse or better.

  9. everybody wants to be remembered in one way or another.
    those pictures were from a formal at school…glad you enjoyed them

  10. Anonymous said:

    haha, love the xanga screen-name! I had a psycho ex… finally got rid of her!

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