Scattered depressing thoughts
Lately I’ve been thinking about the choices I’ve made in my life. The
life changing incidents. Do we ever actually think, at the time, that
these moments will impact us forever? It seemed,…even just three or
four years ago, that the choices we made were so easily reversible and
nothing was permanent.
But now, looking back a bit down the path I’ve taken,… I sometimes
wish I went a different way. I sometimes wish I’d been smarter, or
stupider. I wish I wasn’t so scared. I wish I tried harder.
I wish I wasn’t so mean to some people I really cared about. I wish I,…
Some moments really define who you are. My ideal self wants to believe
I’ve always acted true to myself, my feelings and I’ve always tried to
be good and moral. But if I look honestly at who I am, what I’ve done
and who I’ve hurt along the way, I know I can’t say I’ve always been
that way. I wish I could take some of it back. A lot of it back.
I know you’re not supposed to live life with any regrets, that all
those experiences make up who you are. I know. I know all that. But
quite frankly, that’s crap. I’m human; it’s in my nature to over
analyse and over think everything. Of course I’m going to regret.
I wish I could bring myself to do the stupid things, to stop being
strong. But my moral conscience – and more tangibly and acutely, my
pride – stops me.
I find, I’m driven by fear. A fear of being alone. A fear of disappointing someone. A fear of rejection and a fear of failure.