Scattered depressing thoughts

Lately I’ve been thinking about the choices I’ve made in my life. The
life changing incidents. Do we ever actually think, at the time, that
these moments will impact us forever? It seemed,…even just three or
four years ago, that the choices we made were so easily reversible and
nothing was permanent.

But now, looking back a bit down the path I’ve taken,… I sometimes
wish I went a different way. I sometimes wish I’d been smarter, or
stupider. I wish I wasn’t so scared. I wish I tried harder.

I wish I wasn’t so mean to some people I really cared about. I wish I,…

Some moments really define who you are. My ideal self wants to believe
I’ve always acted true to myself, my feelings and I’ve always tried to
be good and moral. But if I look honestly at who I am, what I’ve done
and who I’ve hurt along the way, I know I can’t say I’ve always been
that way. I wish I could take some of it back. A lot of it back.

I know you’re not supposed to live life with any regrets, that all
those experiences make up who you are. I know. I know all that. But
quite frankly, that’s crap. I’m human; it’s in my nature to over
analyse and over think everything. Of course I’m going to regret.

I wish I could bring myself to do the stupid things, to stop being
strong. But my moral conscience – and more tangibly and acutely, my
pride – stops me.

I find, I’m driven by fear. A fear of being alone. A fear of disappointing someone. A fear of rejection and a fear of failure.

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12 comments
  1. *nod*I’m sorry there’s not much more I can say. I know what you’re talking about though. Everything you’ve written here strikes me deeply because I feel the same things.I spend too much time and attention remembering and thinking about the past, thinking about whether I made the right choice or not, here or there. This or that. The best I (we) can do now is just look forward and keep going. I firmly believe that all things, good or bad, happen for a reason. It’s the combination of all these things that make up life, and who we are. Keep moving. It’s the only thing we can do.*hug*Take care.

  2. i learned while in LA that we’re not supposed to let our fear conquer  us (i learned this, but i still haven’t overcome my fears so i’m not trying to be the boss here). i think what we should do is deal with our shit and move on. that sounds like a good idea doesn’t it? ps. i didn’t get thru annie hall. there was too much neuroticism in there and i couldn’t take it anymore and turned it off. please don’t be disappointed in me.

  3. Those are deep revelatoins there.  Sometimes the stuff we realize about ourselves are not positive, but at least you aren’t afraid to do some real and honest introspection.  People who fool themselves about who they really are are rejecting change and growth.  We all regret sometimes; it’s human nature to think of all the paths we could’ve taken.

  4. =o.
    sentences pulled out of my mind that i would never put words to and say out of my mouth…

  5. ckn said:

    It is absurdity to regretOf the infinite choices and instances, we choose one we sought we’d never regret from the moment it occurred and live it through. You can grasp infinite reasons why we have regrets yet is doesn’t make a difference to who you are right now.

  6. kawse said:

    u know what’ll get your mind off this?  if you clean my room~
    u’ll be alright.  bad choices is part of the game.  in this game there are only losers and learners.

  7. Anonymous said:

    looking back i think i treated some guys bad too … but lately i’ve been treating guys nice and it just comes back to bite me in the ass …. so maybe being mean to guys isn’t  such a bad thing … if somebody has to get hurt in a relationship … i’m starting to think it’s better them than me.

  8. hey silly, it’s n. i don’t even know how to comment properly here… i thought it was time to get one of these accounts. anna, if you need me, give me a call. you’re never quite as alone as you think you are. 🙂

  9. ryc:  No kidding.  I’m quite grateful for my boobs.  Hahahaha, just as I know you are.  If I have to wear a larger sized shirt to accomodate them, then so be it.  At least I HAVE boobs.

  10. dcee604 said:

    ryc: ‘course I’m gonna partly blame it on the time change..that and I stayed up much too late after working out hard at the gym..*sigh*. I’m gonna need a nap at lunch now.

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