Sometimes, “for the better” is the most painful thing you have to do. But in the end,
you can’t live in your insanity, in your confusion and your past
forever. You need to leave to let go.
So sometimes you need to push someone away, someone you don’t want to
go away. But you need to do it in order to find your sanity and
yourself again. Sometimes you do things you’re not proud of. You stop
returning phonecalls. You never answer emails. You say hurtful things
you know aren’t true. But you say them anyways. You ignore, hoping that
person will get the message. To just go away and leave you alone.
And when you find out it worked, at once you feel relieved and
saddened. Because you didn’t want that person to go away. You just knew
they had to.
I know you’ll probably never end up reading this, because by now I’m sure you’ve
long forgotten about me and moved on. I’m sorry for how cold I seemed.
It was mean. I was mean. I still think about you. I wonder how you are.
Sometimes, I’m tempted to write you an email and say something. Just something
friendly, a simple: “Hello! How are you?” But I know better. I know
you’re no good for me. I know that by opening up those communication
lines, I’m setting myself up for hurt. I’m making myself vulnerable to
your kind of poison.
It hurt a lot at the time. The memory of it still stings like a
fresh open wound. At the time, it felt like you were being so cold, not
the man I thought you were. Now, with the hindsight of a while, I see
that maybe you were trying to live up to the man you wanted to
be. The man you couldn’t be that day quite yet. I don’t forgive you
quite yet. But I will soon.