I hope everyone had a nice Valentine’s Day. If you’re reading this,
I’ll assume you survived the onslaught of Hallmark cards, chocolates,
flowers and other assorted lovey dovey paraphernalia. It’s not really
so bad, is it? Or maybe I only say this because I’m with someone, and
he actually celebrated it with me.
The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
I watched “Little Black Book” last night with Y. For those of you who
don’t know, it’s about this girl who goes through her boyfriend’s palm
pilot and scopes out his ex-girlfriends. Of course, she regrets doing
this as she digs herself into a deeper and deeper hole, until
eventually (and inevitably) it all blows up in her face.
I can understand the temptation of it all – the curiosity about the
ghost of girlfriends past. I’ll admit that I’m curious about Y’s
ex-girlfriends. I’ve heard bits of stories here and there. I actually
have met one of them. I chatted with her a few items when she and Y
were still together and long before Y and I were going out. But that’s
all I know: bits and pieces. I don’t know what the exes were like,
their personalities, their looks, their anything. I only have small
glimpses and insights as to why they’re not together anymore.
It’s not because I don’t want to know. I do. I’m very curious. But over
the years, I’ve learned that it’s better to be ignorant about some of
these things. And in the end, it really is better that I don’t know.
In my own past relationships, I’ve asked question after question after
question about the exes, in particular about THE EX. Y’know which one
I’m talking about: the first love. Or the one who took his virginity
away. Or the one who truly broke his heart. (She didn’t just break his
heart. She chewed it up, spit it out, shot it a few times and then
stepped on it with her pointy stilettoes just to make sure it was
dead.) I’d be curious about her looks: Was she prettier than me? Did
she have bigger boobs? I’d be curious about her personality: Was she
smarter than me? Is she really the crazy pyro alcoholic that your best
friend refers to her as? And the absolute worst: I’d be curious about
the sex: Was she better than me? Of course, he’d give me the standard
answers: No. No. No. Yes. No.
Although maybe he was being truthful, telling me she doesn’t compare to
the greatness of ME, I never fully believed it was the truth. I always
compared myself to her and always believe that I came up short. I’d
always wonder why he loved her and why he loves me? I mean, what did we
have in common? How were we different? I suppose that somewhere in the
back of my mind, I believed that he was still in love with her. Even if
it ended two years ago before we had ever gotten together. Even if she
was long gone and he was long over her.
The doubts and insecurities I had. I mean, if she was his first great
love, then why wouldn’t he still be in love with her? Still carry a
torch for her? And if she made this much of an impact on him, then what
am I to him? Chopped liver? (sidenote: Has anyone ever tried chopped
liver? Is it so bad that we always use it as an analogy for boring and
worthless and gross and disgusting? Anyway…) Does he still think
about her a lot? If given the chance, would he rather be with her than
me? Is he settling for me because I’m the best thing to come along so
Because that’s what it’s really all about: me and my own insecurity, me
looking for assurance: not so much her and their relationship. The
answers to the questions about the girlfriends of yesteryear lead only
to more questions and more insecurity. Nothing is really resolved by
knowing the details. At least, not for me.
These days, I’m content with letting the past stay in the past. Y is
with me because he wants to be with me. It’s pretty insulting for both
me and Y to think he’s just settling for me, because I’m not pathetic
and Y’s not desperate. We’re with each other because we want to be.
So while my general belief about life is that knowledge is power, this is one exception where ignorance truly is bliss.