Passing Thoughts

“To err is human, to forgive divine” — Alexander Pope

According to some people, I’m fake. Maybe they think I think I’m
morally superior than others. Or smarter. Or prettier. Maybe they think
I like to portray myself as the victim in circumstances, eshewing
responsibility for my actions. There is some truth to this. A lot or
all of these things they may think are true. These awful things and
much more than anyone ever really knows.

I don’t claim to be perfect. I am well aware of my faults. I’ll be the
first one to admit to them. Every bad thing anyone’s ever thought about
me is something I’ve thought about myself.

The shortlist of my shortcomings: I am short tempered. I am petty. I
have a hard time letting go of things. I am insecure. I am vain and
proud. I cannot admit I am wrong, yet I am always willing to point out
I am right. I can be manipulative, deceptive and selfish. I am capable
of being sarcastic and mean. I am spoiled and at times, irresponsible
and dependent.

I know all this. I have many faults. My worst, however, is that I hold
on to grudges. Y’know how people say “Forgive and forget”? I can do the
“forgiving” part fine. I let people screw me over multiple times, and
I’ll still bend over backwards to do them a favour. Someone can insult
me telling me how horrible and despicable I am, kick me while I’m down
and laugh/spit in my face; yet I will still wholeheartedly believe that
person is good. Don’t get me wrong; I’ll express my disappointment in them to them. But I won’t hold it against them. In short, I am a doormat.

And yet, I have this horrible tendency of internalizing all the ways
people have hurt me. I bottle it all up until it eats away at me. And
while in my conscious mind, I’ve forgiven this person, I still always
remember what they did. I’ll even go so far as to subconsciously punish
that person by constantly bringing up the past and showing my distrust
in them.

But lately, I’ve been wondering something. Am I really forgiving
someone if I don’t forget what they did to me? A few months ago, there
was this lady on Oprah
who said something so profound that it stuck
with me. This lady was a rape victim who said that she would invite her
rapist into her house for dinner. Because true forgiveness means you
truly forget about the wrongs that person has done to you. I don’t know
if I have that capacity to forgive. But I don’t think I’ve been making
an honest effort to forgive and forget.

Afterall, we are all imperfect people. That’s what makes us human. I
can’t expect someone to be perfect or hold them to a perfect standard.
I shouldn’t measure people (their value, their worth) by their faults.

  1. Funny you should mention forgive and forget. I forgive easily. However I don’t forget. With this last pseudo relationship, I forgave the girl for telling me lies. However, I wouldn’t want anything to do with her because I wouldn’t know when she’s telling the truth. I’d feel comfortable with her and all, but really…why should I spend time and energy? I’d question almost her every word. I’d rather just move on.

  2. i think in your list of short-comings, i’m probably about 90% of them too. *shrug* for the forgiving part – i really doubt it. i’d let myself get disappointed over and over until it builds up to a breaking point – i’ll throw a super big temper tantrum, point out everything in the past, and absolutely break off the friendship/relationship/acquaintance and never forgive them. only certain people do i actually forgive but majority of the world isn’t so lucky. only after time has worn away at my memories do i begin to forgive… i have to forget first before i can forgive, i guess. i think you are really big to forgive repeatedly over. =o.and for the paragraph about that woman on Oprah, i wouldn’t be able to imagine that. as far as i can see, if i was a rape victim, i wouldn’t have the courage to invite the rapist to dinner in my very own home. if i ever did, i don’t think i’d even eat dinner and just throw up on the table. that woman must truly have the ability to forgive or just have balls of steel. o_O* i mean…. i thought rape would be an insidious memory that could cripple and scar a person – must be a strong woman to for you comment, YES! Kalvin from Winderemere!! hahahahhaha…. OH MY GOD! how many Kalvins could there be at Winderemere?!?! oh my god! =P~~ hahha… you think you know him?!?! aaaahhhh….. the world wouldn’t be so cruel!! *poke* vancouver cannot be THAT small!! >_< hahahaha…. lemme see… (i’m going to share with you a stupid and sappy moment. you may laugh at it all you want because i think i’m going to crack up while i write about this. hehehe….) it started somewhere in Grade 4. one recess, (we both attended Norquay) i was playing on the rings, something similiar to the monkey bars but instead of bars, there are rings on chains hanging down. (i really don’t know if it’s called rings but whatever – it’s on the playground!) one guy from my class, a tall, brown guy named Calvin, was being really mean to me and he hung up one of the rings so i couldn’t swing ahead and i was stuck there. i didn’t want to fall down onto the sand and i kept calling out, “Calvin, stop that! Put the ring down. Caaaaaalvin!” Then this chinese guy climbing on the ring framework thingy (one day, i’ll find out the proper names of everything on a playground. for now, i’m making up really bad thingymajiggy names for them. hahaha…) called out to me, “Hey!” and flipped the ring down for me. He asked me than,”Are you calling for me?” i replied, “No. i was calling him *point to brown guy* because he put it up.” then he replied,” Oh, it’s because my name is Kalvin too.” then i kinda noticed that he was pretty cute and he was so sweet in helping me. hahahahahhahaha….. i’m such a geek. he just caught my attention because he was being nice. XP~~ i guess i should tell you not to be nice to strangers in case you end up with guys infatuated with you. Hahahah… after that, he just became my secret crush. i could never get over my shyness to talk to him and i got made fun of because one of my classmates knew Kalvin… and my neighbour’s best friend was actually the younger sister of Kalvin’s best friend Joe/Joey. =P~ a bit complicated, i know. but it’s just me trying to emphasize the point of how tight-knit everything was and i was made fun of because i had a crush on this chinese guy name Kalvin. *grin* that classmate that made fun of me also told me his last name… and i think it’s Won but i sometimes forget so i’m not sure if it’s Won or Wong. =P~~ but yeah.. he was a big break for me in a lot of things. hahaha… he was first guy i noticed, first crush… and the first and only guy that i like that attends the same school as i do. (i never ever liked anyone from the same elementary or high school that i go to after that. i went to Gladstone for the entire 5 years. meh.) it was also because of him that i never tell my mom about my crushes. i remember pointing him out on the basketball court to my mother (mom and i were in a car) and she said something like,” he looks a bit chubby.” i got all defensive and i never told my mother about the guys that i liked again. hahahhahahha…. i’m such a geek. i thought he was cool and everything. =P bleh.. but thinking back now and seeing his picture in winderemere’s yearbook before, i realized my mom was right and he is a bit chubby. *blush* hahaha… i think i was pretty blind when i was a child. meh. it’s either that or i must’ve worshipped him or something.. i really don’t know…. but yes – back to my original shock… YOU THINK YOU KNOW HIM?!?!?!?! hahhahah… how?! =d~

  3. holy cow. I don’t think that I would let the guy that robbed me at knife point into my house. That’s one powerful lady if she would invite her rapist to dinner.  I am also a doormat.  Yay for the society of the doormats. Being a doormat isn’t always a bad thing either. I think that we are people that are always looking for good in other people. If you weren’t looking for the good in people you would lose faith in humanity, and then what kind of life would you lead?

  4. Anonymous said:

    yes she did say it.  but then again her and I are on a friend/coworker basis.  luckily… lol

  5. I’m one of those people who have a hard time forgiving and forgetting.  I used to worship Oprah and all those wise things her guests have to say, but having lived a little more and hence having grown a little wiser I now look out for myself, first and foremost.  I also now know those idealistic virtues that Oprah wants us to live by just don’t work in an imperfect world.  As nice it it sounds to forgive and/or forget most of the time it’s just asking for more trouble.  You know how they say “first time it’s their fault, 2nd time it’s yours?”.  I don’t welcome back people who screw me over.  My life is simpler that way.  But then again this kind of stubborn reasoning is one of my biggest faults, making it clear just how imperfect I am too. 

  6. oh man…after reading what u wrote so reminded me of my breakup a few yrs ago. I had a hard time letting go of what happened…even though I say “I forgive” with my mouth….my heart and mind still hold on to the pain of the event and in that sense, I cannot really say I forgive. I’ve learned to let go now…but I totally understand where u’re coming from…do we really forgive people in general? Sometimes to forgive the greater sins means we know how to love even more…perhaps love is tested by the severity of our mistakes?

  7. gloomybb said:

    Sorry for bombarding your page just now.  I wanted to find one of your past pieces about people trying to act smart.

  8. EsCue said:

    hey! the replica place is called changes. it’s on west 10th. that’s all i can tell you. i don’t really know that part of town.
    btw. i’m a doormat too. hahaha…but if i do get the job i have an interview for on wednesday, i’m going to train to be a hardass. yeh!!!

  9. tak_604 said:

    Hrm, sometimes people who *think* they know their own faults, and can even list them, truly don’t know their faults at all. I’m not saying you’re like that (since I don’t even know you, lol, except the little tidbits I read on here), but I think for a majority of people, this really is the case. People tend to pick on “faults” they think they have, yet don’t realize they have other aspects of themselves that are negatively reflecting the way they truly are as a person. Of course just because someone has a certain fault doesn’t make that fault any more or less important as, say, a good point about the person. You have to take the good with the bad, to get to the real person. And if you judge people by their faults alone (or conversely by only their good points), that’s probably one of the biggest faults a person can have.One last tid bit… re: that woman saying she would have dinner with the person who raped her. As much as I think the world would be a better place if everyone forgave and forgot… it’s attitudes like that which allow things like rape, abusive relationships, etc to keep their vicious cycle. Just my two cents.

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