Passports and Dentists
I’ve been putting off completing my passport application this past
month. It’s taken me three days to fill it out. Two days to haul my
butt over to a place to get my picture taken. Then it was another
week before I finally went to my doctor so he could verify that I
actually do exist and am who I say I am. Unfortunately, he was out to
lunch, and I really wanted to get just this done or else I’d never do
it. So off I went to my dentist’s office just another two blocks away.
I am very afraid of dentists. The drilling sound, the poking, the
drooling from the anesthesia, the cold sterile environment. It just
makes me shudder, right down to my bones. Although I know it’s bad, I
avoid my dentist at all costs, unless I absolutely have to see him. The
last time was two years ago, right after I had my wisdom teeth removed.
I felt chills running through my body as I entered his office, the
smell of the flouride (or what I assume to be flouride) hit me and
stirred up bad memories. My dentist recognized me right away and
asked how I was doing. I told him I was filling out my passport and I
needed him to do something for me. He gladly took it from my hands and
I turned to leave, until,…
“When was the last time you were in here?”
*damn!*”Uh,… I don’t really remember. I’ve been really busy.”
“Let’s just see here on the computer. *awkward twenty seconds* Let’s see… It says here it’s been two years this May!”
“Oh, okay… Well, I guess I’ll make an appointment for a checkup this week!” *yeah right!*
“I can see you right now. My last appointment didn’t take as long as I thought it would.”
“Oh, okay…” *aw, crap!*
So I popped myself into the chair, steeling my nerves and getting ready
for the half hour of torture. He poked, He prodded. He scrapped. He
didn’t do the dreaded freezing. (Those needles are scary!) He kept
asking me questions about my family – he’s been our family dentist
since before I had teeth. (*on a related tangent, why do dentists ask
you questions when they know you can’t really answer with much more
than barely comprehensible sounds?) Then cleaned and polished. I forgot
that spit sucker was so much fun.
Before I knew it, I was picking out a toothbrush and sent on my merry
way with my completed passport application and $52 poorer. Wow, that
wasn’t so bad afterall. What as I so scared of? Maybe I’ll actually
getting my teeth checked every six months. Probably not.
Oh, and no cavities!
Number one irritant: When dumb people think they’re smart.
Number one source of amusement: When dumb people try to sound smart.
In my effort to help dumb* animals, I’ve decided to compose this handy
little checklist. If you’re going to launch into a diatribe about how much
better you are than someone:
1) Be smart. Of course, you can’t help this. It’s pretty much you are
or you aren’t. If this doesn’t apply to you, proceed to #2,…
2) If you aren’t smart, don’t pretend like you are. This especially
applies when you are attempting to engage in a battle of wits with
someone smarter than you. Obviously, intelligence isn’t your strong
point. Stick with clubbing your opponent over the top of their head and
limit your vocabulary to “ughs” and “ooga boogas.”
3) Use words you can pronounce or at very least, spell. Misspelling
and misusing words only displays your lack of intelligence. Also, try
not to make too many grammatical errors as they impede from your
4) When making insults, make sure of the following:
a. They make sense. For instance, if you’re going to
accuse someone of being a hypocrite, make sure they have actually
contradicted their words with their actions.
b. They do not apply to yourself. For example, try
to refrain from calling someone tactless if in the very same rant,
you lack tact as well.
5) Make sure you’ve used some sort of logic. A+B=C. Keep logical fallacies to a minimum. Just because A is B, it does not mean B
is A. (All giraffes are mammals. However, it does not
mean that all mammals are giraffes.)
*note: This is a reference to an old Archie comic joke. Yes, I realize that “dumb” here means mute.
In the past month, we’ve seen a tsunami kill hundreds of thousands of
people and destroy whole towns and villages in Asia. We’ve seen snow
throw our dear city into a virtual standstill for a week. Then the
freezing rain, slush, black ice, mud slide and flooding as of late.
It really goes to show how, although human beings have made great leaps
and bounds technologically speaking, we aren’t invincible. We haven’t
conquered the world and tamed nature. Ultimately, we are still at the
mercy of nature. In a single instant, everything and everyone we know
and love could be taken away.