I read some old diary entries tonight, to confirm to myself about
something that happened earlier this week about someone who may have
thought I lead him on almost a year ago. And I guess it got me reading
about the other stuff what was happening almost a year ago.

And I realized that I was forgetting those details. I didn’t remember
some of those talks we had at 2am at Tim Hortons (oh God, I had to wake
up at 6:30 am the next day to TEACH no less!). The details of when I
confessed  in my car that I liked him slipped my mind.

It hurt though, to read those entries that had so much hope, so much
optimism and so much expectation and happiness and to know that it was
all going to end so soon. I wish, I really really wish there was some
way to tell myself to keep from falling head over heels so to avoid the
hurt. It’s almost even embarassing to know I was feeling all these
emotions that were…wasted. That everything I was feeling and was so
sure was reciprocated wasn’t.

It wasn’t that he was my first love. It wasn’t like he was the first
one to hurt me. It was just he was the first one that I trusted
that
hurt me. I let myself become vulnerable and it just bit me in the ass.
I was so sure and I turned out to be dead dead wrong. And I didn’t
understand how I could be so wrong.

So it leads me to tonight. I was lying in my bed, thinking about my
boyfriend and writing about how I wasn’t even sure if he’s into me even
though it’s been more than four months since we got together. I don’t
even know he likes me – much less love me. I find myself with all these
stupid insecurities about a man whose feelings I should be sure of. But
I’m not because I can’t trust myself.

I can’t be sure of anything anymore. Because it could be taken away.
And I don’t want to be so emotionally invested, even though I know I am.

So I keep myself one carefully measured step back because I keep thinking
that at any minute he’s going to leave me. Or he’s going to change his
mind about me. I asked him about it a few times before – why he likes
me, why he’s with me, what he sees in me, does he think I’m pretty. I
know these questions infuriate him and hell, they’d annoy me too. But I
have them – these stupid irrational insecurities. He sees it in me – my
lack of confidence in each other – our relationship. And he’s so
wonderful for putting up with it. And I still can’t bring myself to
just believe that he wants me for me.

Because the last time someone told me he wanted me for me, he lied. He
wanted me for the perfect person I could have been. So how can I
believe this time will be any different?

I’m probably going to read this tomorrow morning and think “wtf was I
thinking?” and throw it in private/protected. I’ll probably sincerely
regret it but what the hell. It’s not like it isn’t the truth. Blah, it’s Friday night. WTF is going to read this crap anyway?

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5 comments
  1. Well, with your last line, on who the heck is going to read this on a Friday, let’s just say a person who’s gotta wake up early to work at the bank.  I can’t blame you for how you are feeling, it seems like every relationship people go through, should however make us better for the next one.  It does in certain aspects, but the level and degree of trust in them, and trust in ourselves is hindered everytime.  In the end, you will get stronger from this, just like how you read your past diary entries, it seems to always bring that particular moment that we can never forget.  As long as you can see that the past is not a representation of the future.

  2. Anonymous said:

    “If you want it, you can have itBut you’ve got to learn to reach out there and grab it’Cause everybody wants some loveShooting from the stars aboveAnd though my heart will breakThere’s more that I could takeI could never get enough”sorry.. made me think of weezer…

  3. Anonymous said:

    Usually I don’t give relationship advice because who I am to say what’s right, but that’s not important. No one blames you for being insecure. It’s understandable. But from experience if your being emotional distant from your boyfriend because he’s being distant, sooner or later both of you will be in viscious circle. For God’s sake have that talk with him. Be completly open and honest with each other. Barring that, try to throw your insecurities out the window and have fun with your relationship. Who wants to overanalyze matters of the heart? Easer said than done, I know.  

  4. Hmm… who reads this Friday night? Well I do =P Well, here’s my opinion on your situation… I don’t really know what your situation is… Here’s what I think: It’s hard to not be insecure when you’re in a relationship. I think you should try to trust him that he likes you for who you are and trust yourself. A relationship is built on trust. By keeping a careful step back you might end up jeopardizing the relationship. Shouldn’t be on the guard all the time. You should just enjoy the relationship and be happy =) Good luck to you! =D

  5. Anonymous said:

    honestly, be who YOU are. theres no point in being someone that isnt you because in the end its YOU that gets screwed over (b/c youre not being you).  the most important thing is that you are NOT deceiving yourself.  its hard.. but in the end, you will look back and realize how much time youve wasted by not being yourself. lastly *SMILEE* !!!!!!

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