For a long time, I was sad about J breaking up with me. In the
beginning, the very thought of him set my day off on a downward spiral.
I’d be on the verge of tears if I saw him at the mall or a cafe or what
have you. I’d even be sad if I went to his damn Xanga and AsianAvenue
page. Later, I’d be moody and irritable at everyone if he emailed me
back. I’d write sad little journal entries on LJ, Xanga and my paper
I hated myself for letting him have control over
my emotions. I hated that my happiness depended on whether or not I had
contact with him of any sort. I hated that I had no control of my mood.
I felt disempowered and helpless.
Recently, I’ve been
mad and angry. I’ve been showing everyone that I’m pissed off at J. I’d
write angry bitter journal entries online where I knew he’d be reading
them. I went to the coffee shop with L
to let him know how angry I was in person. It felt more empowering –
like I wasn’t letting him get me sad and emotional anymore. It felt
good to let him know it wasn’t okay what he did.
lately, it doesn’t feel empowering. It still feels like he’s got conrol
over my emotions. He’s still the source of my anger and my bitterness.
He’s still the source of my irritability. I’m still disempowered
because really… it’s not that different between sadness and anger if
he’s still the reason for those moods.
So now, I’m
making an honest attempt to stop thinking about him. If the thought of
him enters my mind, I’m going to try and quickly change it. Because I
don’t like the idea of someone else or something else being the reason
for how I feel. I don’t want external factors to determine my mood – I
want it to be me.