“To err is human, to forgive divine” — Alexander Pope
According to some people, I’m fake. Maybe they think I think I’m
morally superior than others. Or smarter. Or prettier. Maybe they think
I like to portray myself as the victim in circumstances, eshewing
responsibility for my actions. There is some truth to this. A lot or
all of these things they may think are true. These awful things and
much more than anyone ever really knows.
I don’t claim to be perfect. I am well aware of my faults. I’ll be the
first one to admit to them. Every bad thing anyone’s ever thought about
me is something I’ve thought about myself.
The shortlist of my shortcomings: I am short tempered. I am petty. I
have a hard time letting go of things. I am insecure. I am vain and
proud. I cannot admit I am wrong, yet I am always willing to point out
I am right. I can be manipulative, deceptive and selfish. I am capable
of being sarcastic and mean. I am spoiled and at times, irresponsible
I know all this. I have many faults. My worst, however, is that I hold
on to grudges. Y’know how people say “Forgive and forget”? I can do the
“forgiving” part fine. I let people screw me over multiple times, and
I’ll still bend over backwards to do them a favour. Someone can insult
me telling me how horrible and despicable I am, kick me while I’m down
and laugh/spit in my face; yet I will still wholeheartedly believe that
person is good. Don’t get me wrong; I’ll express my disappointment in them to them. But I won’t hold it against them. In short, I am a doormat.
And yet, I have this horrible tendency of internalizing all the ways
people have hurt me. I bottle it all up until it eats away at me. And
while in my conscious mind, I’ve forgiven this person, I still always
remember what they did. I’ll even go so far as to subconsciously punish
that person by constantly bringing up the past and showing my distrust
But lately, I’ve been wondering something. Am I really forgiving
someone if I don’t forget what they did to me? A few months ago, there
was this lady on Oprah
who said something so profound that it stuck
with me. This lady was a rape victim who said that she would invite her
rapist into her house for dinner. Because true forgiveness means you
truly forget about the wrongs that person has done to you. I don’t know
if I have that capacity to forgive. But I don’t think I’ve been making
an honest effort to forgive and forget.
Afterall, we are all imperfect people. That’s what makes us human. I
can’t expect someone to be perfect or hold them to a perfect standard.
I shouldn’t measure people (their value, their worth) by their faults.